We are in a fast moving society with books replaced by Kindle, Phone calls replaced by Instagram and Whatsapp, being an Engineer or a Doctor are not the only ambitions and where pandemic is the new causality.
Though some of these changes are obviously fruitful, some prove to be a boon turned bane with the misinterpretation of its uses. But, what about something that’s never been changed? That still persists to exist in the same form as it was many years ago? No, I am not talking about Women Safety; not in this blog, but “Arranged Marriage!”
Yes, many across our Country are either forced into it against their will and many are accepting their parent’s will with all their heart and consent. What’s more of a seemingly shocking and serious question is that not all men or women in our Country have got the right to marry whenever they want and whoever they want. With “when” comes the “societal pressure” and with “whom” comes the curse of the entire subcontinent “caste.”
But, apart from all this, if any of my close ones get to marry someone through an arranged alliance, what should be their expectations? What should be their questions to put forth? Is love the only necessity? Or financial security or just the appearance? What is important actually?
With most of us, brown kids known to have asked “financial security” being the only question to the grooms’ side; I saw an Instagram post that triggered me to write this very blog. Let me get on with it with purely my interpretation, my opinion and I would love to hear yours too in the comments.
- Bills
This is not about who pays what, this is about sharing the responsibility I guess. We ask for equality but never seem to understand the very word. For an instance, when a snake comes inside a house, we still urge and actually expect the men in the house to go catch or kill it. My question is, is it fair that we relate these kinds of advancements from men to handle a situation to his “manliness?” Is it fair to expect such things of men? I mean has the snake told anyone that it wouldn’t hurt men? ( Trust me I’m thinking to write a blog on this, do comment if you want it ) It’s absurd. Thus, sharing bills refers to actually being “equal.” and women doing otherwise are no less to the working women because they are the home makers! Thus, to discuss the ways and plans to run the household and to implement it together is essential to be discussed. It will help people understand their grounds.
2. Credits and Debts
Financial freedom and security are two very different things. I’m in my very early 20s but I’ve seen a lot, trust me. Where there is financial insecurity it wouldn’t be good. I’ve been blessed to live under a roof that has a healthy root when it comes to this aspect but I’ve seen my relatives struggling. There would be fights, disappointments, arguments and misunderstandings. To be open with the partner about their credits and debts would give them a clear idea of the financial status. So that they together work to mend the path. Else, without realising the situation of the partner one could not provide enough support which may lead to mishaps.
3. Religious Views
To have a partner who accepts one the way they are, with their values, principles and religion is truly a blessing. Hence, to avoid any courteous issues later, it is important to know and see if the soon-to-be couple’s religious choices are accepted and respected by each other.
4. How to deal with families
Respect and love for each other’s family is the only way to go down this road. Not all the people along the road are going to like us, or going to hate us. But when it comes to marriage, it’s not just two people uniting, but it’s two families. Thus, no matter what, either one has to adjust to the circumstance for the sake of their partner, or avoid a relationship with such a family background whose views and attitudes stay contradictory to theirs.
5. Childhood Traumas
When the partner is in love with you, or you have been in a relationship with them for over a respectable amount of time, the “trust factor” would be built. It would be easy for them to share their happiness, sadness and their darkest sorrow with you. But it’s the opposite in the Arranged marriages. It’s a stanger. Hence, it would be a mindful conversation to ask this,, for it will aid you to understand where they’ve come from and what are all they’ve faced. This conversation deals with their mental agony and their current state of mind. One thing to keep in mind is to stay as supportive as possible and to be “non-judgemental.
6. Sexual Expectations and Partner Expectations
The only answer that comes to my mind for the first section of the sub-title is to move to “love” first. How would you discuss this with a stranger? This would not even be a matter of question in a love marriage. From all that I know, it’s better to fall in love first and then the rest will just flow. With Partner Expectation, I guess it will depend on each individual’s life and what they’ve been through. For instance, if a person has lacked parental love in their life, they will automatically tend to develop a longing for that love and it will lead to expecting it from the life partner. Thus, it is important to know if you are comfortable around your partner to get into both of these aspects of marriage.
7. Family Health History and Mental Health History
Family Health History and Mental Health History go hand-in-hand as far as I know and have seen. It’s the style of your brought-up and the mental traumas that shape your experience as a human and thus your attitude and character have a huge influence on these. For example, a person who went through so much domestic violence and abusive behaviour can either reflect that in their life positively or negatively. That is, those experiences may lead them to treat their partner and their child the same way they have been treated or, they will be over-protective of their loved ones. So make sure to remember this aspect when analyzing your partner’s character so that you know ‘why’ they’re doing what they’re doing.
Political views, dreams, bucket lists, music preferences and more would add on to this list. These could determine their choices and these minor aspects need not be the same with yours all the time. Remember, it’s easy to live with the person who likes what you like, but the true effort of love would be to understand and respect the differences.
When I began writing this blog, I thought these aspects are for arranged marriages and in the process of writing I have realised that these are for “Marriages” in general and these are bloody important. It’s high time, at least according to me, that people get to marry whom they love because it’s with whom they’re going to live for the rest of their lives.
I hope this blog gives you enlightenment. Please don’t just look for love and financial security in a relationship because it’s two souls’ union to become one and it’s never done with just money or caste or astrology.
With lots of intrigued thoughts,
Shilpa Recitals.
perception21 