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How puzzled life can be? My before and after!

7.45 PM May 28, Thursday 2020.

I am now seated in my Dad’s work chair, unable to resume the Duolingo Hindi sessions though I promised my Mum and myself that I was about to get on with it.
Just few minutes ago I made six sticky notes and pasted it on my wall to somehow have an inevitable energy to begin with the reading session or the language session as I mentioned above.
But, I rather took my phone; surfed through my Instagram page and wondered what I didn’t do or what content I didn’t give to earn more followers in my professional page. I suddenly came next to my WordPress site and thought how confused I am with my Webnovel website and this Blog page.

For the past couple of months I’ve been overwhelmed with options that I myself looked into. I’ve been worried about my Post Graduate admissions whilst my UG’s 6th Sem is seemingly long buried under the land of uncertainty due to Corona. I’ve been thinking where I should do my PG and if my Mum and sister will be able to manage it all without me. I’ve been thinking if I should choose Chennai or Coimbatore or London as I had decided earlier.
But London seems impossible for now, considering the affordability and not having Dad around to take care of Mum and sister here.

Day before yesterday, I had even contemplated quitting education and starting a business and my other ambitions whilst staying home. I thought that way I’ll be with my Mum, right by her side and be able to earn instead of spending much on education. 

But, afterall I am still confused, how am I supposed to know what I should be  doing and what I shouldn’t?!

Should I study and pursue my Writing Career or should I stay home and invest that money in business or… what?

Even if I had to decide… how am I gonna do that? How am I supposed to figure life when I’m at it’s gate?

I guess eventually I have to decide.

10.41 PM Wednesday Feb 24th, 2021.

I am righting this now, seated on the same Chair of my Appa’s. That day I promised myself that I’ll leave this blog and in the drafts and will finish it once I join “any” college!

I swear, I lost hope. I didn’t want to study nor did I thought I would get placed anywhere as I couldn’t get to join Loyola though I was technically given a seat actually. I was messed up. On 27th October of 2020, it has hit me clear that Loyola was not for me. I had no chance of whatsoever. By 27th October’s evening I decided to apply for PSG for backup as MCC and MU were still in line. I applied for PSG a couple of days before they announced the selection results. I was all actually an effort gone vain.

With utter fear of not being placed anywhere, I applied for PSGR Krishnamal which was my backup at the neck of the moment. I applied for both SF and Aided stream of MA English. On 28th October of 2020 and 30th was the closing date for application. Whenever I called, they said they were people waiting with 80 percentage for Adied Seat allotment and with 71 percent, which was the highest I scored in my UG though everyone knows there was scam involved in my grading; was not enough and they clearly stated I had no choice. I was devastated. Annoyed and didn’t know what to do.

By 29th October 2020, the evey next day, I received call from the institution stating that my application has been accepted. Then, I was confused to take on the opportunity or to dump it as it was from SF stream not Aided. I thought MA in Sf was too extravagant. So I took a days time, completely confused. At the middle of the night, I even made lots! I did this as I remembered my Mum saying to me that she did this whenever she had to decide, praying the Almighty. So I did it too, at the middle of the night. One of the lot paper was written “Krishnammal” on it and the other “Stay home!” Everytime I took it, it happened to be “Krishnammal” though I wanted it to be “Stay Home!”

The Next Morning, my Mum refused to talk with me as I was saying that I wanted to stay home. Then I asked her to pick one from the lot, I prayed to God and said to myself that whatever she picked up, I’ll concede with it. And “Krishnammal” was what she picked even after 3 trials!

So yes, after tons of confusion about Loyola, MCC and MU, and couple of “admission” collapses, I’m now doing my MA English in PSGR Krishnammal College for Women.

It’s February 2021 now, and I’m two days away from finishing my first semester at PSGR Krishnammal. I’ve got great friends here already though we haven’t met in person. My tutors are great though they can be a little more lenient in paper evaluation and with questions in exams! Just kidding, to ge honest; they are great, kind, appreciative and compassionate and I just hope that I feel the same way about this entire process of PSGR till the last day of this PG Program.

I thought I was unlucky to have missed Oxford and Loyola but, God knows the best and he gives the best! What else can I say?!

So just have faith and trust the process for God really knows what’s good for you. I wanted to write this as this progress was a mental torture for me. I was annoyed but I forgot that every problem comes with a solution. As a conclusion, I just want to quote here what I learnt in Bacon’s Essay “Of Adversity.”

“Prosperity doesn’t come without pains and Adversity without comforts.”

Cheers, with lots of love for Writing and Black Coffee;

Published by Shilpa's Recitals

The typical daddy's girl trying to explore herself through the World of Writing, Words and Books!

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